My All-Time Favorite Songs, Part Two of Four (?)

I have a really low self-esteem most of the time.

Seriously.

Until a few years ago, I would have said my biggest struggle in my faith was pride and its subsequent legalism. Now I'm not so sure. I've been overwhelmed by grace to the point of being the ultimate enabler (can you say $800 over 10 weeks to fund someone else's alcohol addiction? Oh right, me neither *insert shameful face*). Don't get me wrong - I can be incredibly prideful, unwilling to admit my faults, judgmental, and unforgiving...those weeds just aren't the ones God's currently working on in this garden.

Where do I get that analogy, you ask? Four years ago, I spent two weeks in Cape Town, South Africa. Truly amazing. I hope one day I have the opportunity to return for much longer. During our second week, we worked at a small orphanage. In the morning, we led a Vacation Bible School for the school age kids, and in the afternoons, we began clearing land for a garden while sneaking into the "Baby House" to kiss the little ones.

When I say we cleared land, it's not what you think. We weren't pulling weeds or tilling the ground. No. Instead we removed every piece of garbage from this orphanage's dump in order to then ready the ground for planting. It was exhausting and disgusting. It also showed me a side of the Father that I had never before seen, and that I would never forget.

There were times when it seemed the pile of garbage would never go away. I doubted we would ever finished in a few short days. Even more, I found it hard to believe that anything would ever grow in that small space. It seemed useless. I looked at this wasteland and just couldn't see how anything good could come from it.

And suddenly He was there.

I felt Him at my side and heard His gentle voice say, "Couldn't the same be said of you?"

I am that nasty dump. Many will pass by and think that there is no hope. No reason to think that the dross could be cleared away...that seeds could grow and bear fruit on this forgotten ground.

But not Him. Not even for a second.

"The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing." (Isaiah 51:3)

I am not a hopeless cause. Neither are you.

Still, I struggle to believe it. I read in His word every day of His love and faithfulness. That he would give nations in exchange for my life. And yet hour by hour I doubt that He cares. That He loves me enough to give me what I want more than all else. That anyone could ever look at me and see someone worth fighting for. It makes me do crazy things, too. Just ask me about my relationship drama over the past year. Or why I am afraid to even introduce myself to people that actually want to serve the Lord with their lives. I could go on, but I won't. I think you get the point by now that I am seriously messed up.

I want to believe that I am who He says I am, whether I feel like it or not.

That's where this song comes in. Dennis Jernigan is probably the greatest songwriter of all time. Or just really good at listening to what God says and writing it down. The following song, Passionate Obsession, is written as if it were the Father singing over His children. I've listened to it nearly every day this year, sometimes indifferent, sometimes in tears.

Someday. Someday I will hear this song and believe and have no doubt. Sorry about the lengthy introduction. Here is "Passionate Obsession."

When you've searched until you've found something you can't live without
Hold on! Hold on!
I find in you love worth My life; worth the greatest sacrifice
Hold on! Hold on!
You are My most prized possession and proudly I make this confession:
I love you, I love you!
Worth my life to gain posession, you, My passionate obsession
I love you, I love you!

You are My desire!
I would brave both flood and fire, lowest depth, obstacle higher
Just to get to know you!
You are My obsession and I would face darkness, oppression
I would fight with love's deepest aggression
Just that I might know you more.

Life will throw the heart about, beat it down with fear and doubt
Hold on! Hold on!
I will be there both day and night; bind your wounds, restore your sight
Hold on! Hold on!
You are one worth fighting for, one passionately I adore
How I love you! I love you!
Higher than the highest fountain, deeper than the deepest fountain
I love you! I love you!

You are My desire
And I would brave both flood and fire
The lowest depth, obstacle higher, Child, just to get to know you!
You are My obsession and I would face darkness, oppression
I would fight with love's deepest aggression, Child
Just to get to know you more.

My All-Time Favorite Songs, Part One

This is the first post in a two (or three or four or more) part series I will call "My All-Time Favorite Songs." I'm sure you were really unaware of the title of this series, given the title of the post....

Anyway, the first one came out somewhere in the 1999-2000 time frame. I remember singing it a lot my freshman year of high school, especially on days when I thought my life was so hard. I laugh now at how little I knew then of trouble and hardship, and realize that ten years from now 33 year old me will say the same thing about 23 year old me. Honestly, how this song ever spoke to me back then I don't know. It reminds me of the story of a young violin prodigy playing a beautiful yet tragic song on her violin. A man in the audience remarked, "It's beautiful now, but can you imagine how much more beautiful it will be once she's had her heart broken?"

The song below was beautiful to me then. I claimed it as my own. But now, having experienced real trouble and real heartbreak, it is even more beautiful. I've included the words to the seldom-used last verse (only ever heard it when Ginny sings live).

If You Want Me To (by Ginny Owens)

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley if You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to.

I'm Really Not...

...one of those "girl-power music" lovers, but what can I say? This song speaks to me. :)

Am I supposed to put my life on hold because you don't know how to act
And you don't know where your life is going?
Am I supposed to be torn apart, brokenhearted, in a corner crying?
Pardon me if I don't show it
I don't care if I never see you again
I'll be alright
Take this final piece of advice and get yourself together
But either way, baby, I'm gone

I'm so over it, I've been there and back
Changed all my numbers and just in case you're wondering
I got that new "I'm a single girl" swag
Got me with my girls and we're singing it
Na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye.

Some Thoughts

They call it tough love because it's hard for the one administering it, though the one receiving it often plays the victim.

As a result, I often wait too long and then immediately struggle with feelings of guilt....

C.S. Lewis had a little to say about this. "Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them, but Love cannot cease to will their removal."

Thus, it seems that tough love's the only kind of love that's really love at all.

Jesus Gets Good PR

LOVE THIS!!!