Why?

Psalm 131:1-2

My heart is not proud, O Lord,

My eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

Or things too wonderful for me.

 

I have been thinking a lot about grace lately. Trying to understand WHY this great gift of salvation was just handed to me at the age of five. Why I was given two incredible parents who love God and love one another. Why I never had to worry about where I would sleep at night, when I would get my next meal, whether my loved ones would still be around from one day to the next. Why God kept me on such a short leash that I have no dramatic story to tell on Sunday when I stand before a congregation and fulfill the Lord's command of baptism.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not at all wishing I had a story like that to tell. I am so thankful that I don't know the pain and the shame of a life completely wasted. I am thrilled that I can say that God has been my Faithful and True Redeemer since as long as I can remember. I know that it is only by His grace that my sins (that I definitely have, though they may not be as visible as others) have been washed away, and only through His great love that I was spared from what I could have easily become.

But I still don't understand WHY ME? I am thankful. I don't wish for a different story to tell. Yet I hate that so often those whose stories are so different from mine think that somehow I am better than they. Believe me, I am just as messed up and in need of a Savior. In Christ alone, my hope is found. The question still remains: why did God, in His infinite love and wisdom, decide to make it easy for me? I was a Christian Thought minor in college. I know the textbook theological answer – everything He does is ultimately for His glory and our good. Like David long ago, I have to still and quiet my soul and just be ok with that answer.

So how can my story and one the complete antithesis of my own both accomplish the same goal – for His glory and our good? I know the right answer to this question, but my heart doesn't accept it today….

I'm still not quite satisfied. I want to be.

I don't know how many people actually read this blog. But if you read this post and have any insight that could help, please comment.

And while you're at it, I've got a friend who is desperate for God to break through in a big way. Please pray with me for a miracle.

More on this topic to follow.

 

 

"Workin' 9 til 5"

Just isn't at all what it's cracked up to be.

I worked 40 hours this week at my assistantship site and quickly remembered why I despised it last semester.

BUT....

If I can suck it up and do it another 7 work days I will have one-third of my hours completed before the semester begins.

So there.


BTW, I just love new beginnings. And hope. Hope that this year just might be a whole lot better than the last one. [Disclaimer: 2008 was a great year for me, except the last four weeks. So really I guess what I mean to say is that so far I like January a whole lot more than December.]

The One Thing I Know

Psalm 131

A song of ascents. Of David.

1 My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.

2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

3 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

And the clouds just parted on a corner of my life
And I can see for miles
And the things I was stuck on
Things I thought would never change
They just broke open wide

And the veil just lifted
I can finally understand
The way you work in me
But even if I didn't
You are still my sovereign God
Who has a plan for me

This is the one thing I know
You said You won't let me go
You said You won't let me go
You've done a good work in me
And You won't quit till I'm free
Oh, You won't let me go

It's good to know You work with hurt and broken souls
That You'll take a soul like mine
And in all the world nothing's taken hold of me like Christ

This is the one thing I know
You said You won't let me go
You said You won't let me go
You've done a good work in me
And now You're making me free...

It feels like chaos

But, Lord, I believe.

"While We Wait for a Rescue"

The older I become, the more I tend toward a more traditional view of the Christmas season. I used to count down the days to the day after Thanksgiving, because that meant I could get out all my Christmas CDs. Now, I am more selective when it comes to what I listen to in the four weeks before Christmas.

Advent: a period of expectant waiting and preparation for the celebration of Christ's coming. We remember how he came to us in the form of an infant; we look forward to the day He returns upon the clouds, leading us into eternal victory. I'm starting to believe that instead of celebrating every day till Christmas, we should treat Advent the way my beloved Episcopals treat Lent.

I come by this view honestly. I blame my father entirely. I will never forget hearing him sing Steven Curtis Chapman's version of "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel" several years ago. I cried. Cried for the desperation I heard in the lyrics, for His beloved Israel who somehow missed the gift when it was right there on the cross.

This year, I come before the throne desperate. I see the depths of my sin and I know that there is nothing good in me. I consider myself in an exile of my own. I need a Savior. I am waiting for a rescue.

Maybe it's because everything bad in my life always happens in December, and this December is no different. But once again I find myself looking to the skies asking the question, "How long?" Yet I need not wait long. Because Christmas is just around the corner, meaning Easter Sunday isn't far behind.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure."
O Come, Thou Dayspring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And Death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice, rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

He will come to us, as well.

Look beyond the window there
To the sky above, to the open air
Look beyond what you can see
Close your eyes and just believe
The lion roars and the lamb lays down
They live together in a whole new town
They're calling me and they're calling you
From the cold hard fact that we're on our own
To the age old truth that we're not alone
So don't be afraid, little warrior bride
Your victory's on the other side
You're not alone, you're not alone