Depth of Mercy

I'm sorry that my own words are long in coming.  I promise, I am still (slowly) working my way through a lengthy post.  I have lots of paragraphs written, but as of yet, they don't really flow together.  I thought I was going to finish it this weekend, but my heart was not in the right place and I just couldn't do it. 

The focus of the post is supposed to be repentance and redemption; what I've been feeling lately is anger and an intense desire for revenge.

Anyway, I digress.  I found this old hymn this weekend, and then introduced it to my father who added it to Sunday's worship list.  It's long, but the words contain so much power.  Charles Wesley wrote it after several years of ministry, on a night when he came face to face with the depths of his sin and need for God's forgiveness and mercy.  Though he had been a believer for years, he failed to understand his plight until that day.  He called it "After a Relapse into Sin."  It's now entitled "Depth of Mercy."  I think I like the old title best.  Maybe that's because after these past few months I fully share Wesley's thoughts, emotions, and experience.

1. Depth of mercy! Can there be
Mercy still reserved for me?
Can my God His wrath forbear,
Me, the chief of sinners, spare?

2. I have long withstood His grace,
Long provoked Him to His face,
Would not hearken to His calls,
Grieved Him by a thousand falls.

3. I have spilt His precious blood,
Trampled on the Son of God,
Filled with pangs unspeakable,
I, who yet am not in hell!

4. I my Master have denied,
I afresh have crucified,
And profaned His hallowed Name,
Put Him to an open shame.

5. Whence to me this waste of love?
Ask my Advocate above!
See the cause in Jesus' face,
Now before the throne of grace.

6. Jesus, answer from above,
Is not all Thy nature love?
Wilt Thou not the wrong forget,
Permit me to kiss Thy feet?

7. If I rightly read Thy heart,
If Thou all compassion art,
Bow Thine ear, in mercy bow,
Pardon and accept me now.

8. Jesus speaks, and pleads His blood!
He disarms the wrath of God;
Now my Father's mercies move,
Justice lingers into love.

9. Kindled His relentings are,
Me He now delights to spare,
Cries, "How shall I give thee up?"
Lets the lifted thunder drop.

10. Lo! I still walk on the ground:
Lo! an Advocate is found:
"Hasten not to cut Him down,
Let this barren soul alone."

11. There for me the Savior stands,
Shows His wounds and spreads His hands.
God is love! I know, I feel;
Jesus weeps and loves me still.

12. Pity from Thine eye let fall,
By a look my soul recall;
Now the stone to flesh convert,
Cast a look, and break my heart.

13. Now incline me to repent,
Let me now my sins lament,
Now my foul revolt deplore,
Weep, believe, and sin no more.

"Heaven find me on my knees

Hear my soul's impassioned plea

Depth of Mercy, can there be

Mercy still reserved for me?" 

My Prayer Today

*all quotations from John Piper*

"Fight for us, O God, that we not drift numb and blind and foolish into vain and empty excitements. Life is too short, too precious, too painful to waste on worldly bubbles that burst. Heaven is too great, hell is too horrible, eternity is too long that we should putter around on the porch of eternity."

...Lord, help me set my mind on things above...

"Christ did not die to forgive sinners who go on treasuring anything above seeing and savoring God. And people who would be happy in heaven if Christ were not there, will not be there. The gospel is not a way to get people to heaven; it is a way to get people to God. It's a way of overcoming every obstacle to everlasting joy in God. If we don't want God above all things, we have not been converted by the gospel."

"The critical question for our generation—and for every generation—
is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the
friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and
all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties
you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no
human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with
heaven, if Christ were not there? " 

...Father, my only hope, my only goal, is You.  I want to be found with You...

"The ultimate good of the gospel is seeing and savoring the beauty and value of God. God’s wrath and our sin obstruct that vision and that pleasure. You can’t see and savor God as supremely satisfying while you are full of rebellion against Him and He is full of wrath against you. The removal of this wrath and this rebellion is what the gospel is for. The ultimate aim of the gospel is the display of God’s glory and the removal of every obstacle to our seeing it and savoring it as our highest treasure. “Behold Your God!” is the most gracious command and the best gift of the gospel. If we do not see Him and savor Him as our greatest fortune, we have not obeyed or believed the gospel."

Overflowing

I have far too many thoughts running through my head right now to condense them into one post.  I've had a notebook with me almost constantly the past week just to get some of them onto paper.  I think the best way to share this story is to do it in small parts. 

For now, here is a song that I've been playing on repeat.  So powerful, the bridge brings tears to my eyes.

Telling the Truth

Dear Heidi (and anyone else who still reads my blog even though this is only my second update in 6 months),

I am about to start blogging a lot more frequently.  I have a lot to say because in recent weeks I have learned a LOT.  About a lot of things.

One of my goals for this blog from the beginning was to be totally transparent - to share my joys and my sorrows, my triumphs and my failures.  There have been more failures and sorrows than triumphs and joys lately.  I want to share them completely, but unfortunately I can't.

But I am going to share some, probably more than some people want me to.  Here's the thing though - I'm tired of lying and covering my own faults to protect the greater faults of others.  If I am ever going to get my life back together I need to be open and honest. 

I need to tell the truth, to myself and to others.  I'm not lying anymore or covering things up just to help others avoid the consequences of their own choices. 

I'm telling the truth, for my own sake.  Otherwise I'll never be set free.

Stay tuned....