Rejoice

[Note to the readers I'm not sure actually exist: if you were hoping that my posts relating to Crazy Love would somehow make it so you didn't have to read it for yourselves, you are going to be disappointed. This post is my response to bits and pieces of chapters 2-4.]

I get stressed out rather easily.

I try to prevent the stress from happening by planning everything way in advance and putting even the tiniest details on my "to do" list. I do this because that way I am less likely to forget and because it makes me very happy when I can cross something off in Sharpie.

*I am currently going through a Sharpie phase. I LOVE THEM, especially the Sharpie pens. They're all I use. They make my handwriting look so cool :)*

Despite all the planning, preparation, and hard work, I feel like I can never get it all done...as well I think it should be done, anyway. Typical firstborn? Probably. But I refuse to let that determine everything.

It's finals week at William and Mary. In addition to research papers, exams, and a gigantic portfolio (which was done a week early -- go team productivity!!), I am in my church's Christmas concerts this weekend. I don't need any more reasons to feel stressed or worried.

Last night was particularly rough, for reasons that I don't need to mention. As I sat at my desk trying to decide which assignment to work on next, I heard it. That gentle voice that causes me to let go of the tension that I'd been carrying around for days.

"My dear girl, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed."

Just call me Martha.

I've failed to heed that voice many times before, but last night I listened. Instead, I got on my knees and gave Him the honor He deserves (well, probably not even close but I gave Him all I have). And I confessed the worry and the stress. Chan writes, " Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives. Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control. Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance."

So what is His will for me? He makes it pretty clear.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

...and ransom captive Israel...

That song makes me cry. Every. Single. Time.

So if you are coming to the concerts this weekend, I apologize. I'll be the one tearing up in the second row.

But if you happen to look up at me during our rendition of "We Three Kings" a little later in the program, you will witness a full-out sobfest during the last verse. Seriously.

One of my goals for this blog was to record those moments of wonder. This song, the last verse in particular, with the orchestration of our arrangement, makes me want to bow on my knees and raise my hands to heaven. It overwhelms me every time.

Glorious now behold Him arise
King and God and Sacrifice
Alleluia, Alleluia
Earth to heaven replies
Star of Wonder, Star of light
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to Thy perfect light.




[More from Crazy Love coming soon...]

Holy

Stop praying.

This is the title of Chan's first chapter. Shocking? Yes, but the discussion that follows is noteworthy.

In Ecclesiastes, Solomon warns us, "Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few."

How many times have I uttered careless words before the Creator of heaven and earth? How often do I sing in worship services without actually letting the words pass through my mind and heart before they leave my lips? When did I last have a time of "prayer" in which I rambled on about something similar to a Christmas wish list and failed to spend even a second thanking Him for who He is?

Only fools treat Him this way.

I am one.

And so, Chan says we must stop and gaze at God in reverent awe. In holy fear. In the words of R.C. Sproul, "Men are never duly touched and impressed with a conviction of their insignificance, until they have contrasted themselves with the majesty of God."

Let's think about His majesty for a minute. He is omniscient. Omnipotent. He is all-loving, and He is justice.

And He is holy.

There are moments when I glimpse His holiness and I am overwhelmed. Like Isaiah, I fall to the ground and proclaim my unworthiness. Who is He that He would be mindful of me?

Who am I that I am so rarely truly mindful of Him?

If you know me, you know that music speaks to me in ways that not much else can. Thus, it shouldn't surprise you that my response to this chapter was to break into song. Several anthems came to mind, but I will share just one. It is an old Point of Grace song called "God Forbid"

The more I know Your power, Lord
The more I'm mindful
How casually we speak and sing Your name
How often we have come to You with no fear or wonder
And called upon You only for what we stand to gain

God forbid that I find You so familiar
That I think of You as less than who You are
God forbid that I should think of You at all
Without a humble reverence in my heart
God forbid...

Lord, I often talk about Your love and mercy
How it seems to me Your goodness has no end
It frightens me to think that I could take You for granted
Though You're closer than a brother, You are more than just my friend

You are Father God Almighty
Lord of Lords, You're King of Kings
Beyond my understanding, no less than everything
God forbid that I find You so familiar
That I think of You as less than who You are
God forbid that I should speak of You at all
Without a humble reverence in my heart
God forbid, God forbid, God forbid.

Crazy Love

Today is the first Sunday of Advent, and I bought a book to read during this season. I've heard many positive things about Francis Chans's book, Crazy Love, and have wanted to pick up a copy for quite a while. I decided that this was a good time.

Advent is a season of preparation. A solemn time of quiet contemplation. A time to mournfully acknowledge my helpless sinful state and admit that I need a savior. "Who will rescue me from this body of death?"

But thanks be to God!

The month leading up to Christmas always seems to be the most chaotic of the year. There's nothing simple or sacred about December. It's a brass band in the background, crowded stores, noisy parties.

Sometimes the answer is to step back and sit in silence. To revel in the beauty of a clear night sky and meditate on this thought: The King of the universe loves me. Loves me in spite of all the things I'm not proud of and try to hide from the world.

He LOVES me.

This year, I am going to take time to be silent. To be still. It's not going to be easy - it's finals week. But I want to be sure to remember the holiness of this time, even if it means turning off "Jingle Bell Rock" and singing "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" instead.

I haven't started reading Crazy Love yet, but the words on the back cover resonate with me and give me reason to think this is the perfect "Advent read."

"Have you ever wondered if we're missing it?

"It's crazy, if you think about it. The God of the universe - the Creator of nitrogen and pine needles, galaxies and E-minor - loves us with a radical, unconditional, self-sacrificing love. and what is our typical response? We go to church, sing songs, and try not to cuss..."

I cannot wait to start reading this book. I will be posting reflections about each chapter here, so be sure to check back. I'll leave you with a song that makes me want to dance every time I hear it.
______________

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane
I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of this afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me

Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us all

And we are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If His grace is an ocean we're all sinking
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way...

That He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves...

Well...

....It finally happened. I am officially quite comfortable working as a counselor in an elementary school.

How do I know?

Today I yelled, no, emphatically corrected, a child during group. No more always affirmative, nice Ms. Mock. I am acting like a teacher now.

The kids noticed, too.

"Ms. Mock, you're not as fun as you were last time."

"Well, D., you made me that way."

Can't decide how I feel about this.

Maggie, the Wonder Dog

So this morning I got up and decided to write a tribute post to this cute canine, Maggie the Menace. She may look sweet but there are at least six people that will agree with me when I say she is most definitely not.

Thursday night, my family got home from my mom's birthday dinner to find that Maggie had destroyed the garage (she tends to have psychotic episodes when left unattended...the vet prescribed anxiety meds). They let her outside and she ran away. She usually comes back after a half hour or so, but this time she didn't.

Last night, my sister drove around town looking for her on the side of the road but couldn't find her. We all assumed she finally got what she deserved...Thursday night games make for lots of drunk drivers...

So this morning I was going to try to think of something nice to say about this cute and cuddly puppy, whose behavior got worse as she aged, and not better. Once upon a time, she was an obedience school graduate. We loved her. Now when we make a command, she gives you a look that says, "I'll do whatever I want, buddy." (Actually, I think the look is a two-word phrase which includes a four-letter word that would be spelled with astericks on my blog...)

But I don't feel the need to say nice words anymore. The Queen Bee showed up in the front yard this afternoon, cold and wet, but none the worse for the wear.

Sorry, Mom. It was almost the best birthday present ever.

Happy Birthday, Stellan (and Mom!)

Stellan, that precious baby boy, I wrote about in an earlier post, turns one tomorrow. What a precious miracle and blessing his life is.

And tonight, as I write this, he is once again fighting a hard battle, as his heart is in SVT. He is not doing well. If you read this, pray for this little one and his family. Click here to read his story.

Also, my mom turns ____ tomorrow :) Happy Birthday Mom!!!

I'm Alive

I had every intention of posting regularly this school year, but I never remember to do so.

My days consist of school, running, class, homework, and sleep. It's really not that exciting.

I am running a half-marathon in March, so I am trying to be more consistent with my runs, but I'm not training for distance yet.

I love counseling in elementary school.

I am skipping class to hear Ravi Zacharias speak Tuesday night. I don't think my professor is going to be too happy with me, but she's the one that reminded us two weeks ago that we have one unexcused absence.

Next time, I will try to write something worth reading.

Remembrance

Yesterday, we remembered those lives lost in New York, Pennsylvania, and northern Virginia eight years ago.

Today, I remember a great man, who went to be with the Lord five years ago today. We weren't related by blood, but he still made a point to tell me every time I saw him that he loved me and that I belonged to him.

Miss you, Houston. Can't wait to see you again.

On Being Frugal

Every once in a while (ok, quite often) I am startled by the realization that I am dirt poor. This is a problem - not because I am poor, but because I often don't think of myself as such and purchase things like grande extra hot non-fat with whip and caramel drizzle lattes. Oops. Someday, when I am an independently wealthy professional philanthropist, I will get the aforementioned drink every morning on my way to lead a Bible study at a homeless shelter or to read books to little kids in the hospital, but those days aren't here yet and my spending habits don't always reflect that.

Sunday afternoon I decided to start living frugally. So far I've done alright. I spent two hours printing out and cutting out coupons and signing up for free samples of just about anything I could find. Then I looked up a bunch of articles about how to save money. I have to say that I was disappointed with the suggestions I found. Here are some of the ones I remember...in no particular order.

1. Stop going out to dinner. (I already don't go out to dinner.)
2. Stop ordering $10 cocktails at bars. (I drink Diet Coke at bars and don't have to pay for it. The only time I drink at bars is if someone else is paying. Tacky? Perhaps, but that's the truth.)
3. Don't get your hair done at fancy places. (I get about two haircuts a year and it costs $13 at Supercuts. Granted, it's not the best, but I am never disappointed. I also have never had my hair professionally highlighted or permed or anything else.)
4. Buy used furniture. (ummm, have you SEEN my living room?)
5. Buy the generic brand of everything. (Are you kidding me? Did anybody NOT know that already?!!?!)

I could go on, but my point is this: I am already doing all those things. Except for coupons.

I don't like coupons. Not because you hold up the checkout line, but because I don't think they save you money when you live alone. In fact, most of the time I end up buying things I never would have bought otherwise simply due to the fact that I had a coupon for it. As my dad has said over and over, "It's not a good deal if you're spending money on something you weren't planning to get." I know somebody that recently purchased $280 worth of items for $38....that's great. I'd be thrilled too. But does anyone really need 13 bottles of Axe shower gel? I think I'd get bored of using it before I ran out and throw it away.

If I really wanted to save money, there are some steps I could take. The problem is that I don't want to make the necessary changes.

1. Stop drinking coffee and soda. I'd save about $20-25 a month. Water is better for me anyway. Unfortunately, this will not be happening unless Congress legalizes and a doctors prescribes me cocaine or speed for medicinal purposes.

2. Stop coloring my hair. No. My hair is a fashion accessory. You may find this strange, but coloring my hair a fun, neutral color every 6 weeks is a relaxing, stress-relieving luxury that is worth every one of the 700 pennies it costs.

3. Get rid of cable/internet. I could live without it. I would have to relearn how to spend time doing productive things, but it would save quite a bit of money. Unfortunately, this would require my roommates to also make this change and I don't think that's gonna happen.

Conclusion: I am just going to stay dirt poor for at least another 11 months.

Some Thoughts

These aren't my thoughts. They belong to others - those far wiser than I with better written communication skills.

I've been pondering these this week. I hope they challenge you, as well.

"If a commission by an earthly king is considered an honor, how can a commission by a Heavenly King be considered a sacrifice?" (David Livingstone)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The love for equals is a human thing. The love of a friend for a friend, a brother for a brother - it is to love what is loving and lovely. The world smiles.

"The love for the less fortunate is a beautiful thing - the love for those who suffer, for those who are poor, the sick, the failures, the unlovely. this is compassion, and it touches the heart of the world.

"The love for the more fortunate is a rare thing - to love those who succeed where we fail, to rejoice without envy with those who rejoice, the love of the poor for the rich, of the black man for the white man. The world is always bewildered by its saints.

"And then there is the love for the enemy - love for the one who does not love you but mocks, threatens, and inflicts pain. The tortured's love for the torturer. This is God's love. It conquers the world." (Buechner)

Faithful and True

I absolutely love the hymn that I am using as the theme for this post (confession: I'd love it more if somebody gave it a new tune). I have been in awe of God's faithfulness over the past 15 months. I feel compelled to write this so that I don't forget that through every trial He has been there, the rider on the white horse, Faithful and True. He has met every need at just the right time, not a single minute late.

Sometimes a light surprises the Christian while he sings;
It is the Lord Who rises with healing in His wings:
When comforts are declining, He grants the soul again
A season of clear shining, to cheer it after the rain.

The past few months have brought sorrow, but lately I have been, to borrow from CS Lewis, surprised by joy. Moments of brightness, of unexpected reasons to celebrate. From a good conversations with an old friend, to making new friends who share your passion for Jesus and orphans, there have been many days this summer when I have paused to marvel at how much I am loved...

In holy contemplation we sweetly then pursue
The theme of God’s salvation, and find it ever new;
Set free from present sorrow, we cheerfully can say,
Let the unknown tomorrow bring with it what it may.

Tomorrow can bring us nothing, but He will bear us through:
Who gives the lilies clothing will clothe His people, too:
Beneath the spreading heavens no creature but is fed;
And He Who feeds the ravens will give His children bread.

I have been particularly amazed by the way God has provided for me the past few months. Because of the economy and budget cuts, my assistantship position was dissolved for this year and I am going to graduate with more debt than I had originally planned. Not the end of the world, but still frustrating. This is going to be a very lean and difficult year, and yet I can smile because I know that it only is one year and then I will have a job that gives me enough money that I can go see a movie once in a blue moon without feeling guilty about it. This summer I accepted a part-time nanny position that was going to provide me with just enough money to live on. I was very concerned when I discovered that I was going to be working far less than I'd anticipated. But God came through. Another family asked me to be their backup nanny and then their real nanny quit unexpectedly. So while I wasn't at my "real job", I was still working and made just enough to live on. That family moved last Monday, and I was very worried about how I would make it through August financially. I shouldn't have worried. The very next day, I got a phone call from the original family. They're going to need me a lot more in these next few weeks. I was shocked. I guess I shouldn't have been. God knew exactly what I needed and provided it - no more, but certainly not less - because He's cool like that.

Though vine nor fig tree neither their wonted fruit should bear,
Though all the fields should wither, nor flocks or herds be there
Yet, God the same abiding, His praise shall tune my voice;
For, while in Him confiding, I cannot but rejoice.

Stellan

I read once that nothing makes you love someone more than spending time on your knees in prayer for him.

In the case of this little boy, I have to say it's true.

I first "met" Stellan a year ago, when his mom Jennifer was 22 weeks pregnant with him. Stellan's heart was beating way too fast and he was in total heart failure. At 24 weeks (a year ago tomorrow), doctors told Jennifer and Israel that their son would not be born alive. There was nothing they could do.

This is the sentence in the story that, if it were in the Bible, would begin with my favorite phrase.

BUT GOD is able. And God healed Stellan. A healthy, happy baby boy was born on October 29 of last year, with no sign of the supraventricular tachycardia that he experienced in utero. His big brothers and sister got to hold him and play with him.

It wasn't until March that we discovered that Stellan's healing wasn't quite what we thought it was. The SVT returned (a statistical anomaly - but I can't explain it because I'm not a doctor) and Stellan spent over a month in various hospitals, fighting for his life.

Since then, Stellan has been closely monitored and his SVT controlled by medications. But now he is back in the hospital fighting for his life. He is being airlifted to Boston today for a very risky surgery that is the only option. The past 48 hours have been very tough.


I'm still surprised at how deeply I care about this little boy. I have never met him, and I seriously doubt I ever will. But I have been praying for him since before he was born and I have watched him grow through the daily pictures on his mom's blog.

If you're reading this, stop and pray for this little boy. Pray with confidence, because there are two things I know.

1. Stellan will be healed.
2. Stellan will live.

We just don't know when. We don't know how. We don't know where.

But STELLAN WILL LIVE!

Caught In the Act.

Ummm, Mr. President....?

I am, Because He Said So

I wrote a little while ago about identity, and how I often struggle to believe that I am who God says I am. I am amazed that He can look past what is (the desolate wasteland) and see what it's supposed to be...what it will be.

Today our wonderful pastor pointed out yet another instance of this in Scripture. I've heard Gideon's story countless times. I love it. Israel is oppressed by the Midianites, not because the Midianites are so evil (though they are) but because Israel has once again turned away from the Lord and He is allowing the oppression in order to woo her back. Gideon is told that he will lead Israel to victory. Gideon whines about how weak he is. He asks for a sign. He gets his sign. He asks for another one. He gets that one, too.

Just have to insert a comment here. My dear friend Kim Thomas gave a very funny commentary on this story once. "I never got Gideon's fleece, I mean, I understood the concept, I just never understood why he needed a second go at the whole test. Maybe he was just wasting time. Also, if I was testing God I think I would ask for something better than a wet fleece, I think that if God told me to rescue my people I would test Him by asking for a rich, hot man to come down from the sky and propose to me, just saying..."

So Gideon finally decides to go along with the whole thing. He starts with 32,000 men. God sends the scared ones away, followed by the ones with bad table manners. He's left with 300. God wins. The Israelites live happily ever after...or just until they forget a few years later and make the same mistakes all over again.

I was trying to make a point here. Oh, yes. Identity. I guess in my mental movie of this story I've always just assumed Gideon was scared or lazy. Judges 6:11-12 offers a different image.

¹¹Now the angel of the LORD came and sat under the terebinth at Ophrah, which belonged to Joash^A)">(A) the Abiezrite, while his son^B)">(B) Gideon was beating out wheat in the winepress to hide it from the Midianites. ¹²And^C)">(C) the angel of the LORD appeared to him and said to him,^D)">(D) "The LORD is with you, O mighty man of valor."

When the Lord finds Gideon, he's hiding in a pit, trying to get food for his family that the Midianites can't take away. Not exactly a picture of courage. And yet the angel of the Lord refers to him as a "mighty man of valor" (ESV), a "man of fearless courage" (amplified), a "mighty warrior" (NIV). I think it's ok to laugh at the irony as long as we realize that the same can be said of us. The man hiding in a shallow pit is indeed remembered as a mighty warrior of fearless courage. The small boy who played music for his sheep defeated a giant and became the greatest king of Israel.

They may not have believed it, but they were, because He said they were.

And so am I, because He says so.

James 1:27

When can I go back?

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An Amendment of Sorts

I read over that most recent post last night and must have had it on my mind at church this morning.

I think what I wrote made it sound like I don't believe people can change, that there are some who are too lost.

That's not what I meant at all.

I'm also not trying to say that loving a sinner is useless. Love is what sets us free to live as we should.

But not human love. And that is what I often forget.

It is not my love for my brother or sister that is going to cause them to turn around. It's the infinite matchless Love of God.

And His love can inspire the Beast - it's the only love with the power to change, to heal, to restore. Love will set the captive free.

It is His kindness that leads us to repentance.

It is His kindness that leads us to repentance.

Kindness.

Not mine.

His.

Some of you who read my blog (if anyone actually reads it anymore) are aware of the situation that probably prompted many of the thoughts and struggles of my last few posts. In regard to that situation, I want to say that I am not giving up. Not in the slightest. My prayers for this person have not lessened; instead they have increased in frequency and intensity. What's changed is that I am no longer going to rely on my own love to do for this individual what only God's love could ever do.

Disney Movies Ruined My Life

Where do I even begin?

Tonight I babysat for a three year old little girl. As part of her bedtime routine, she's allowed to watch 30 minutes of a movie. According to her mom, she's watched "The Little Mermaid" about 600 times. I laughed and told her that when I was young, I wasn't allowed to watch that movie because my dad was opposed to it for moral reasons. When I explained why, this mom began to agree with me.

#1 - Ariel's dad tells her to leave that boy alone and stay in the water where she belongs. Ariel disobeys.
#2 - In order to get what she wants, she has to give away the best part of herself, her voice, and she has to seduce a boy in order to get it back.
#3 - The very fact that in order to be happy she has to trade in her mermaid fins and get legs sends the message that who she was wasn't enough and the only way to be happy is to be someone you're not.
#4 - In the end, her dad gives her what she wants anyway, and she never has to suffer the consequences of her selfishness and foolishness.

It's at this point in the conversation that my Dad would announce sinisterly, "Do you know how that story really ends? She dies. That's what happens when you disobey your father."

All that to say, my little friend and I decided to watch this movie instead.

Maybe it's because I was already thinking that Disney is bad when we put in this film, or maybe it's because I was in a bad mood, or maybe it's because I am a jaded, cynical doubter, but tonight I found "Beauty and the Beast" to be morally repugnant, as well.

This one's a little more subtle. Here we have the story of Belle - beautiful, smart, caring, the apple of her small town's eye. I bet when she was growing up, all the ladies at church told her that they wanted her to marry their sons. Their sons would probably all rather die than marry her though, because she was just that good and likable.

Enter the Beast. He grew up with every advantage: good parents, enough money to fund whatever education he wanted, attractive enough (before the curse, anyway), and I would venture to say he was a pretty good athlete. Unfortunately, the world held too much appeal and he soon was a slave to her ways. He also had some serious anger issues.

When Belle meets him, he has alienated himself from all his friends and lives alone, bitter and depressed, with no motivation to change his ways. But never fear! The lovely, caring Belle sees the good in him and knows that all she has to do is kill him with kindness and he'll become the man she dreams he can be....and an hour later, he does just that.

That's just not how it works. Not at all.

This is why the elder's daughter chooses the bad boys over the Gilbert Blythes.

There should be a disclaimer at the end of this movie that says: "If this story inspires you to start dating a felon or other unsavory character because 'he could change', beware. Just believing in him is not enough to make him put down the crack...or the alcohol...or even turn off the junk TV. He will do just enough to make you think he's about to improve, while you are miserable and start to hate yourself. If that sounds like fun, then go for it, because every now and then there is a story like this one."

But that one is the exception. We are the rule.

That's why C and I stopped watching "Beauty and the Beast" after about 10 minutes and put in "A Bug's Life." And I went home and watched "He's Just Not That Into You" with a pint of ice cream.

Yep.

My All-Time Favorite Songs, Part Two of Four (?)

I have a really low self-esteem most of the time.

Seriously.

Until a few years ago, I would have said my biggest struggle in my faith was pride and its subsequent legalism. Now I'm not so sure. I've been overwhelmed by grace to the point of being the ultimate enabler (can you say $800 over 10 weeks to fund someone else's alcohol addiction? Oh right, me neither *insert shameful face*). Don't get me wrong - I can be incredibly prideful, unwilling to admit my faults, judgmental, and unforgiving...those weeds just aren't the ones God's currently working on in this garden.

Where do I get that analogy, you ask? Four years ago, I spent two weeks in Cape Town, South Africa. Truly amazing. I hope one day I have the opportunity to return for much longer. During our second week, we worked at a small orphanage. In the morning, we led a Vacation Bible School for the school age kids, and in the afternoons, we began clearing land for a garden while sneaking into the "Baby House" to kiss the little ones.

When I say we cleared land, it's not what you think. We weren't pulling weeds or tilling the ground. No. Instead we removed every piece of garbage from this orphanage's dump in order to then ready the ground for planting. It was exhausting and disgusting. It also showed me a side of the Father that I had never before seen, and that I would never forget.

There were times when it seemed the pile of garbage would never go away. I doubted we would ever finished in a few short days. Even more, I found it hard to believe that anything would ever grow in that small space. It seemed useless. I looked at this wasteland and just couldn't see how anything good could come from it.

And suddenly He was there.

I felt Him at my side and heard His gentle voice say, "Couldn't the same be said of you?"

I am that nasty dump. Many will pass by and think that there is no hope. No reason to think that the dross could be cleared away...that seeds could grow and bear fruit on this forgotten ground.

But not Him. Not even for a second.

"The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing." (Isaiah 51:3)

I am not a hopeless cause. Neither are you.

Still, I struggle to believe it. I read in His word every day of His love and faithfulness. That he would give nations in exchange for my life. And yet hour by hour I doubt that He cares. That He loves me enough to give me what I want more than all else. That anyone could ever look at me and see someone worth fighting for. It makes me do crazy things, too. Just ask me about my relationship drama over the past year. Or why I am afraid to even introduce myself to people that actually want to serve the Lord with their lives. I could go on, but I won't. I think you get the point by now that I am seriously messed up.

I want to believe that I am who He says I am, whether I feel like it or not.

That's where this song comes in. Dennis Jernigan is probably the greatest songwriter of all time. Or just really good at listening to what God says and writing it down. The following song, Passionate Obsession, is written as if it were the Father singing over His children. I've listened to it nearly every day this year, sometimes indifferent, sometimes in tears.

Someday. Someday I will hear this song and believe and have no doubt. Sorry about the lengthy introduction. Here is "Passionate Obsession."

When you've searched until you've found something you can't live without
Hold on! Hold on!
I find in you love worth My life; worth the greatest sacrifice
Hold on! Hold on!
You are My most prized possession and proudly I make this confession:
I love you, I love you!
Worth my life to gain posession, you, My passionate obsession
I love you, I love you!

You are My desire!
I would brave both flood and fire, lowest depth, obstacle higher
Just to get to know you!
You are My obsession and I would face darkness, oppression
I would fight with love's deepest aggression
Just that I might know you more.

Life will throw the heart about, beat it down with fear and doubt
Hold on! Hold on!
I will be there both day and night; bind your wounds, restore your sight
Hold on! Hold on!
You are one worth fighting for, one passionately I adore
How I love you! I love you!
Higher than the highest fountain, deeper than the deepest fountain
I love you! I love you!

You are My desire
And I would brave both flood and fire
The lowest depth, obstacle higher, Child, just to get to know you!
You are My obsession and I would face darkness, oppression
I would fight with love's deepest aggression, Child
Just to get to know you more.

My All-Time Favorite Songs, Part One

This is the first post in a two (or three or four or more) part series I will call "My All-Time Favorite Songs." I'm sure you were really unaware of the title of this series, given the title of the post....

Anyway, the first one came out somewhere in the 1999-2000 time frame. I remember singing it a lot my freshman year of high school, especially on days when I thought my life was so hard. I laugh now at how little I knew then of trouble and hardship, and realize that ten years from now 33 year old me will say the same thing about 23 year old me. Honestly, how this song ever spoke to me back then I don't know. It reminds me of the story of a young violin prodigy playing a beautiful yet tragic song on her violin. A man in the audience remarked, "It's beautiful now, but can you imagine how much more beautiful it will be once she's had her heart broken?"

The song below was beautiful to me then. I claimed it as my own. But now, having experienced real trouble and real heartbreak, it is even more beautiful. I've included the words to the seldom-used last verse (only ever heard it when Ginny sings live).

If You Want Me To (by Ginny Owens)

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley if You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to.

I'm Really Not...

...one of those "girl-power music" lovers, but what can I say? This song speaks to me. :)

Am I supposed to put my life on hold because you don't know how to act
And you don't know where your life is going?
Am I supposed to be torn apart, brokenhearted, in a corner crying?
Pardon me if I don't show it
I don't care if I never see you again
I'll be alright
Take this final piece of advice and get yourself together
But either way, baby, I'm gone

I'm so over it, I've been there and back
Changed all my numbers and just in case you're wondering
I got that new "I'm a single girl" swag
Got me with my girls and we're singing it
Na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye.

Some Thoughts

They call it tough love because it's hard for the one administering it, though the one receiving it often plays the victim.

As a result, I often wait too long and then immediately struggle with feelings of guilt....

C.S. Lewis had a little to say about this. "Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them, but Love cannot cease to will their removal."

Thus, it seems that tough love's the only kind of love that's really love at all.

Jesus Gets Good PR

LOVE THIS!!!

Sunday

We call it Good Friday for a reason. Two thousand years later, we know how the story ends. Yesterday, we remembered His death. We meditated on the pain, the suffering, the shame. I found myself wondering about how the disciples must have felt that day. Yes, He'd told them how it would all play out, but their actions on Sunday morning indicate that they really didn't get it.

Instead they hid in the upper room. Devastated. Alone. Afraid. Some went back to fishing.

Saturday was probably the longest day of their lives.

Nobody was calling it Good Friday.

Every year I sit through Good Friday services and shed a tear or two. The cross and all that it means holds weight in my soul. Still, I don't think I will ever feel about Friday the way those who witnessed it did.

Because I know how it ends!!!

The amazing "good" thing about Friday is the knowledge that Sunday is coming. In the words of Dennis Jernigan: "When Satan saw the blood he knew that Christ had won it and he knew that Sunday was on its way." The very existence of Friday requires that Sunday follow. Death brings LIFE. My Lord died and was buried that Friday.

BUT HE DIDN'T STAY THERE!

So, on Saturday, I wait in expectation. There is a joy welling up in my spirit that cannot be contained. It will spill out of my lips in beautiful songs of praise tomorrow morning as we celebrate the resurrection.

"As the Gospel stories clearly show, Friday happens, but Sunday is inevitable. Sunday is the resurrection, the day when all our meager hopes and wildest dreams come true, the day we as believers look forward to despite our present condition. This is a “hang in there” song; Sunday is not so far away!" - John Ellis

Broken promises, weary hearts
But one promise remains:
Crucified, he will come again
It’s Friday, but Sunday is coming


Sunday is coming.

Looking forward to tomorrow.

The Cross

Oh, to see the dawn of the darkest day
Christ on the road to Calvary
Tried by sinful men, torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.
This, the power of the cross
Christ became sin for us
Took the blame, bore the wrath - we stand forgiven at the cross.

Oh, to see the pain written on your face
Bearing the awesome weight of sin
Every bitter thought, ever evil deed
Crowning your bloodstained brow
This, the power of the cross
Christ became sin for us
Took the blame, bore the wrath - we stand forgiven at the cross.

Now the daylight flees, now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head
Curtain torn in two
Dead are raised to life
"Finished!" the victory cry
This the power of the cross
Christ became sin for us
Took the blame, bore the wrath - we stand forgiven at the cross.

Oh, to see my name written in the wounds
For through your suffering I am free
Death is crushed to death
Life is mine to live
Won through your selfless love
This the power of the cross
Son of God slain for us
What a love! What a cost!
We stand forgiven at the cross.

He died so we would no longer have to fear.

Not death.

Not betrayal.

Not pain or suffering.

Not rejection.

Not a single thing.

Unredeemed

My goal for Holy Week is to post every day - just what I'm meditating on. Today, my heart ponders His amazing promises. The title is taken from a new song from one of my favorite Christian groups, Selah, that will be out with their new album in August. I got a sneak peak from Angie, whose husband Todd is in the group. Today would be their daughter Audrey's first birthday...

I love reading the books of prophecy. I didn't always, but sometime during my undergrad years my eyes were opened to the beauty of God's love for us as portrayed through His dealings with Israel. God's been pruning me quite a bit lately and, as the term suggests, it hasn't been pleasant. And yet there is joy because the fact that I am being pruned means I am indeed grafted onto His branches, and pruning allows for growth.

Still, there is one question ever before me...one prayer that escapes my lips...one thought that drives me to my knees in tears day after day. How many dreams do I have to put to death before You say it's enough? When will this trial be over? When will the season of singing arrive? Don't You want me to be happy?

The answer to that last question is "No." Happiness has nothing to do with it. Everything is for His glory, to make me more like Him. And so I'll keep laying it down, waiting for the day when He decides to lift His hand...

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten...and you will praise the name of the Lord your God..."

"Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord's hard double for all her sins."

I don't know what He's doing right now. But I will continue to move forward, trusting that His way is right.

None of this will be left unredeemed, in my life or in yours. Not one tear is wasted.

Here's the song:

The cruelest words, the coldest heart
The deepest wounds, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter night, the wasted years
Life breaks and falls aparat
But we know these are
Places where grace is
Soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled
They may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be
Unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is
Soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be
Unredeemed

And Can It Be, That I Should Gain...?

I wish I could remember to update this more often. I wish I had the time to sit and really ponder this wondrous thing known as redemption. Just as it was two months ago, the word is ever before me, and I hope that its reality is taking hold of my heart.

I wrote this on Friday. I think once I heard someone say something similar, but the poem, sans the first stanza, is my own. This is the Good News as far as I understand it (and when it has to rhyme).

Humpty Dumpty's Restoration

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

They cried for poor Humpty, lying there on the ground
There was nothing to do so they all turned around
"But wait!" shouted Humpty, "there is still one more thing -
I was told when I fall I should call on the King!"

The King heard the clamor and came out to see
What on earth the commotion might be
He took one look at Humpty, knew all had gone wrong
He lifted his hands and silenced the throng

He knelt down beside him and stretched out his hand

Whispering in Humpty's ear the things He had planned

And then with one word the King made Humpty whole,

Placed him back on the wall, with a new heart and soul.

While all other may look and see a cracked, patched-up jar
The King looks at Humpty seeing past all the scars
He smiles at him and says, "All will be well."
Because when the King looks at Humpty, it's as if he never fell.

Why?

Psalm 131:1-2

My heart is not proud, O Lord,

My eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

Or things too wonderful for me.

 

I have been thinking a lot about grace lately. Trying to understand WHY this great gift of salvation was just handed to me at the age of five. Why I was given two incredible parents who love God and love one another. Why I never had to worry about where I would sleep at night, when I would get my next meal, whether my loved ones would still be around from one day to the next. Why God kept me on such a short leash that I have no dramatic story to tell on Sunday when I stand before a congregation and fulfill the Lord's command of baptism.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not at all wishing I had a story like that to tell. I am so thankful that I don't know the pain and the shame of a life completely wasted. I am thrilled that I can say that God has been my Faithful and True Redeemer since as long as I can remember. I know that it is only by His grace that my sins (that I definitely have, though they may not be as visible as others) have been washed away, and only through His great love that I was spared from what I could have easily become.

But I still don't understand WHY ME? I am thankful. I don't wish for a different story to tell. Yet I hate that so often those whose stories are so different from mine think that somehow I am better than they. Believe me, I am just as messed up and in need of a Savior. In Christ alone, my hope is found. The question still remains: why did God, in His infinite love and wisdom, decide to make it easy for me? I was a Christian Thought minor in college. I know the textbook theological answer – everything He does is ultimately for His glory and our good. Like David long ago, I have to still and quiet my soul and just be ok with that answer.

So how can my story and one the complete antithesis of my own both accomplish the same goal – for His glory and our good? I know the right answer to this question, but my heart doesn't accept it today….

I'm still not quite satisfied. I want to be.

I don't know how many people actually read this blog. But if you read this post and have any insight that could help, please comment.

And while you're at it, I've got a friend who is desperate for God to break through in a big way. Please pray with me for a miracle.

More on this topic to follow.

 

 

"Workin' 9 til 5"

Just isn't at all what it's cracked up to be.

I worked 40 hours this week at my assistantship site and quickly remembered why I despised it last semester.

BUT....

If I can suck it up and do it another 7 work days I will have one-third of my hours completed before the semester begins.

So there.


BTW, I just love new beginnings. And hope. Hope that this year just might be a whole lot better than the last one. [Disclaimer: 2008 was a great year for me, except the last four weeks. So really I guess what I mean to say is that so far I like January a whole lot more than December.]