Laura Bush

The wedding was over a month ago and I still haven't posted.  After promising to take pictures and post immediately, my camera never left my suitcase.  I was having way too much fun to even worry about a camera.  The good news is that I have some beautiful memories and wonderful stories from a weekend with dear, dear friends (and, of course, got to witness the beginning of what I am sure will be a beautiful marriage).  The bad news is that it will be almost impossible to share with you all the joy we experienced in those few days.

These pictures have all been stolen (via facebook) from Laura's sisters and from the photographer (who, by the way, is AMAZING).  All formal shots were taken before the wedding and they didn't take super long.  And, during the reception, she got some beautiful shots without turning the whole reception into a photo op.  I barely noticed she was there, which, in my opinion, makes her even better.

Just Sayin'

Mark Twain offers some insight into what is currently my greatest annoyance.

"In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made School Boards."
- Following the Equator; Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar

Never Taking Off Work Again

I wish I had pictures of the inside of my office as it appeared Monday morning upon my return from St. Louis.  Randy, Joey, and Mat turned everything -- and I really mean everything -- in my office upside down while I was gone.  They also took apart my desk chair and put an alarm clock in the celing.

Alas, the only picture I have is this one that they sent to my phone Friday afternoon with a note that said they missed me...and I should probably get to work early Monday to clean up the mess.

As difficult as some aspects of this job have been, I love my coworkers and am so thankful for them.  These three are like older brothers to me.  They also remind me of Larry, Darrell and his other brother Darrell.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch this video.

Why Can't I Ever Remember to Blog?

Seriously.

There are so many great stories I could tell about work and life lately.  This blog could be extremely entertaining.  Unfortunately, I never have my camera with me to capture the moments (or I don't remember to take it out of my purse and snap a photo), and then I forget to write about it later.

I run out of energy and don't feel like sitting at the computer when I get home from work.

So I'm sorry.  I will try to do better.  This past week would have been a great one to blog about (spirit week at school -- crazy outfits and some of the best office pranks of all time)....but I fail at life and didn't think to take any pictures and I'm too tired to type it all out now.

This week will be amazing, too.  I work three days this week, and on Tuesday the kids have the day off for Election Day (get out and vote, people, especially if you happen to live in Colorado Springs -- vote for Owen Hill for State Senate)!  Then on Thursday I fly to St. Louis for Laura Mark's wedding.  I am so excited to see her and Adam get married, and to catch up with some of my dearest Grove City friends!

I WILL take my camera with  me and I WILL take pictures and I WILL blog about it all when I get back!

Hold You Up

I rediscovered Matthew West this week and I am loving it.

His love songs are just beautiful and they also look upward at the end.  I find this one particularly fantastic.

It's Only a Season

Next Wednesday marks the end of our first nine week grading period.  I can't believe we're already about one quarter of the way through this school year. 

My job is so much more difficult than I ever imagined.  My students have a lot of really serious problems, and I don't feel equipped to handle any of it.  Just when I think we've hit rock bottom and it can't get any worse, it does.  I'm trying really hard to not become completely discouraged...to not complain about the way things are right now.  I don't like my job right now. 

It's a tough pill to swallow, especially because I was so thoroughly convinced that this is where God was calling me.  I don't feel like I'm making a difference here at all.  I got some news yesterday about some upcoming staff changes that made me feel more alone in this battle than ever. 

I need to spend less time worrying and complaining and more time on my knees.  I want the confidence that I had when I moved here three months ago. 

The following verses were shared with me on Sunday, and they have offered such comfort. 

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." (Colossians 2:6-7)

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." (2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 1:3-4)

"In this your greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." (1 Peter 1:6-7)

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - thing about such things." (Philippians 4:4-8)

Digging Deep

I love my job, but it is so much more challenging than I ever thought it would be.

So many of my students are deeply wounded.

It's hard to know where to begin sometimes.

At the same time, I feel even more strongly that this is right where God wants me.

Still, by Friday evening I am emotionally drained and exhausted...

I am reminded of a story I read once about a young person working in ministry.  His "well" was running dry and yet the demand for water kept increasing.  In desperation, he turned to an older woman and asked, "Can't someone else fill my cup so that I can keep pouring out?"  Her response, "Dig deeper."

I am thankful for the weekends and purposefully set aside time for rest.  I also turn to the Spring of Living Water, and dig deeper.  My students don't have anything to draw with and the well is deep...

I will go to Jacob's well
To fill my cup with Living Water
From the stream that has no end
And I will thirst again no more

...This is my prayer in the harvest, when favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow...

Only a Bit of Summer Left

A few pictures (the only ones I took) at the Rockbridge Wine Festival this weekend.

 Discussing the differences between Merlot and Syrah

 

I think this means Merlot wins

"More please!"

Total Cuteness

My Unworthy Soul is Won

Yesterday one of our seniors committed suicide.  Those that were close to him are now experiencing the pain of loss and the guilt of wondering what signs they missed and what they should have done. 

The truth is we don't know why and we probably never will.  The truth is that not one of his friends is somehow at fault because of something said or something left undone.  The truth is that this young man was in pain but chose to suffer in silence.  He is the only one who knows the answers to our questions and he's not here to answer them.

I think the greatest tragedy in this life is for a soul to get to the end of its days and never know the Love of God that transcends all time and space.  Love that was there before the foundation of the world...that will remain when this earth is gone.  Love that can heal any hurt.  Love that is poured out for all....not because of who WE are but because of what HE has done. 

Lord, let me love others with the Love You have poured out on my unworthy soul.  May they come to know This Love...

Once an Enemy, Now a Friend

Loving Natalie Grant's new album, Love Revolution.  Especially this song.

Redemption.  Restoration.  Making a wasteland into the garden of the Lord.  Amen and Amen.

Bring the Rain

Isaiah 57:1-2 "The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.  Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death."

"Show Me" (Audrey Assad)

You could plant me like a tree beside a rive
You could tangle me in soil and let my rocks run wild
And I would blossom like a flower in the desert
But for now just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in a battle
Put victory like a fire behind my shining eyes
I would drift like falling snow over the embers
But for now just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning
Like a song that steals the darkness from a world asleep
And I"ll illuminate the path You've laid before me
But for now just let me be

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die

Let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing by the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for now just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me

Loved Before The Dawn of Time

{Taken from a friend's facebook page...so awesome}

Creation.  Fall.  Redemption.  Restoration.

Ought.  Is.  Can.  Will.

Design.  Default.  Do.  Destiny.

What wondrous love is this...

He Sends His Love

When I signed my contract back in June, it said that while my start date was July 19, my first paycheck would not arrive until  August 31.  While I found that annoying, I knew that if I lived very carefully during those six weeks, I woud be okay waiting that long.

That being said, I still worried about money, especially about what would happen if some emergency came up during that time.  I also really want the apartment to start looking a little better, since it's going to be my home at least until I finish paying back my parents for grad school (unless I get married before that...).  I wasn't letting myself buy curtains or throw rugs until after payday. 

It wasn't a huge deal, but it consumed my thoughts more than I wanted it to.

Yesterday I went to school for a couple hours after my new employee orientation.  Waiting in my mailbox was my first paycheck.  I was so surprised my eyes filled with tears.  It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. 

God is so good.

I hesitate to say that about this.  God is so good even if I don't have a job.  Even if I have nothing to eat.  I know that, and I'm not trying to say that God wants us to have curtains or gym memberships.  He has given me abundantly more than I could ever need.  I acknowledge this, and I am so glad to finally be in a position to care for others financially.  But at the same time, this whole move and new job has been a trying experience for me.  This early check just served as another sign that He is with me.  He sees me, He knows me, and He cares. 

"God sends his love and his faithfulness."

Now I've got to go iron some curtains...

There's Gonna be a Wedding!!!

Joey proposed to his longtime girlfriend on Friday night.  Here's the happy couple.

I am so excited that Ashley is going to be my new sister, and the fifth and final Mock girl! 

I Blame Chad

Now for the recap of my first week in Lexington.

I moved in on Sunday.  My parents and I drove the U-Haul from Williamsburg and we had everything unloaded by about 3pm.  IT WAS SO HOT THAT DAY (about 100).  My friend Steve helped us out, and Amy drove up from Blacksburg and unpacked my kitchen while I unpacked the bathroom took a shower.  Then she left and Steve took me to a picnic that his church (Grace Presbyterian - I will most likely go there) was having.  That was really nice because I got a chance to meet a lot of people my own age (and probably more Christians my own age than I knew in my two years in Williamsburg) and because I was exhausted and didn't want to cook :)

Monday was my first day of work.  I don't have much to say about my job so far because I just have so much to learn that I couldn't have learned in school (ie, all the administrative/paperwork stuff).  RCHS does things so differently from any other school I've seen, but I think that the setup will be a good fit for me.  Hopefully I will get computer and phone access soon so that I can actually contribute...

Monday evening I got home and continued to work on unpacking.  That was when I discovered that my bedroom carpet was soaking wet!  The water heater had started to leak.  I called the landlord and he was there within half an hour with fans and towels.  I got a new water heater the next day, which was great (and gave me a good feeling about where I lived).  The only annoying thing about it all was in the process the AC had gotten turned off and so it was 90 degrees in my apartment when I got back on Tuesday.

Wednesday was the most trying day.  I actually had a good day at work and left feeling like I'd learned something and gotten some things accomplished.  Unfortunately, all the happy feelings left when I walked through the front door to discover the power was out.  I called the power company and reported an outtage, then tried to stay cool while still unpacking.  At around 6:30 a guy came buy and checked the power lines.  He left and I still had no power.  I called again and heard a message that there had been no power disturbance at my location.  It was at this point that I started freaking out.

I called George and asked him if he had any idea what the problem could be, but he couldn't think of any reason why my power would be out but no one else's, but he'd come over anyway.  By the time he arrived he knew what the problem was.  The power company was supposed to turn off the power in the apartment below mine that afternoon.....but the guy turned off mine instead.  So it was back to the phone. I finally was able to talk to a real person and Gail became my favorite person in the world.  She was such a sweet lady...I picture her being about 57 and more than pleasantly plump but I guess I'll never know.   It took a while for her to understand the problem, but once she did, she immediately called a technician to come fix it for me.  Unfortunately, that guy didn't seem to think it was very urgent so it took him 2 hours to get there. 

So that is the tale of my week of trials.  My Dad says that this should serve as confirmation that I am indeed supposed to be in Lexington at this job with these students, and I think he's right.  I chose this position because I knew that here I would have the opportunities that made me choose this profession in the first place - to be deeply involved in the lives of high school students that they may come to know the God Who lovingly call their names.  I believe I can do that here.  My principal has already given me permission to be an active part of the Young Life ministry at the school....something I didn't think would happen given my job as counselor. 

Why the title?  Chad is the guy who moved out of Apartment B.  If he hadn't bought a house and moved out, Wednesday wouldn't have been so exhausting and torturous for me.  Ha :)

Livin' On Dreams and Spaghettios

OK so I'm not quite that poor.  But ever since I moved into this apartment, the Martina McBride song "This One's For the Girls" has been stuck in my head.

This is for all you girls about 25
In little apartments, just tryin' to get by
Livin' on, on dreams and spaghettios
Wonderin' where your life is gonna go

So, without further ado, here is my new home!  There is also a bathroom, but I didn't take a picture because it looks like any tiny bathroom.  And there is another bedroom off the living room but right now all it contains is my desk, a chair, a fan, a yoga mat, weights, and my exercise DVDs.  If anyone has any suggestins for making the place more homey, please share them.  I plan to buy or make curtains after I get a few paychecks.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

From Dorothy Sayers:

"[The Christian faith is] the most exciting drama that ever staggered the imagination of man."

"I believe it to be a grave mistake to present Christianity as something charming and popular with no offence in it...We cannot blink the fact that gentle Jesus meek and mild was so stiff in His opinions and so inflammatory in His language that He was thrown out of church, stoned, hunted from place to place, and finally gibbeted as a firebrand and a public danger.  Whatever His peace was, it was not the peace of an amiable indifference."

I'm Here

Just wanted to update quickly and say that I moved into my new apartment in Lexington on Sunday the 18th.  I started working the following day, and finally finished unpacking boxes Thursday night.  It was an incredibly stressful first week of work.  I have so much to learn, but the bigger stress was at home.  Just about everything that could go wrong with the apartment did.  I will share the details about all of that soon.  It's funny now, but at the time all I wanted to do was run home to Blacksburg and forget this new career and new place. 

Last Friday, my parents and Dori picked me up and we headed to Maine for a week.  It was nice to just relax and read on the beach.  We also got in a hike, some crazy boating, and more lobster than we wanted. :)  I just got back this afternoon so once I unpack all of that stuff and get the apartment clean again I will take some pictures and post them.  I'm beginning my church hunt tomorrow.....I hate this part of moving....

Show Us Your Life

I originally posted this in Kelly's first SUYL Singles but I've updated and I'm trying again :)

I feel so strange doing this, but really, why not?  I have been reading Kelly's Korner for a long time but I've never participated in one of her "Show Us Your Life" posts.

While this entire blog will tell you about me, here's a short bio.  I'm Allison, turning 26 in a week, and I live in Lexington, VA, just two blocks away from Stonewall Jackson's old house.  I've lived here for a year and a half and I work as a school counselor at a local high school.

I am the oldest of five kids, four girls and one lonely boy, and I love spending time with my family.  I grew up in Blacksburg, VA, so I am a huge Virginia Tech sports fan, but Clemson is growing on me because my sister goes there now.  I played volleyball and basketball in high school and in college (intramural).  I also love to sing (my dad is a worship leader), hike, camp....you name it.

Most importantly, I love the Lord and hope to spend my whole life making Him known.  That desire led me to attend a Christian college, Grove City College, in Pennsylvania, so that I could take as many classes about Christianity and the Bible as I could.  I love teaching others about God's Word.  I became a school counselor for two main reasons - I have a passion for high school students (especially girls) and wanted to be "where they are" and I wanted to be able to have summers off so that I could do ministry.  So far I have gone on mission trips to Mexico, Belize, South Africa, and Taiwan.

What kind of man am I looking for?  Well, I have an incredible father so I tend to be picky, but a heart for God is number one.  I guess there are a lot of qualities that most girls want - smart, funny, athletic, but most importantly, I want someone dependable, trustworthy, and able to accomplish his goals.  An adventurous spirit and a love of travel don't hurt, either :)

Here are some pictures of me.

With my college roommates - I'm on the far right

With all of my siblings (reverse age order...again on the far right)

Sisters (far right...hmmm I should change it up)

This time I'm on the left! I don't always dress like that - our sorority was performing in Greek Sing

It's Not About Me

I love Tenth Avenue North.  Their new album "The Light Meets the Dark" is one of the best Christian albums I've heard in a while.

In this video, lead singer Mike Donehey explains the inspiration behind the song "Strong Enough to Save," and it reminded me of many moments on summer mission trips -- moments when I realized that the only good in me is Jesus.  Only HE is strong enough to save.  I can't.  But He lets me join Him.

Anyway, Mike says it better.  Watch the video.

Here Am I, Send Me

Tim Black, visiting from South Africa, showed this video in church on Sunday.

So many questions...

So much hurt...

So many things that just don't -- cannot ever -- make sense.

"Be still and know that I am God."

This is my Father's world. 

O let me ne'er forget 

that though the wrong seems oft so strong, 

God is the ruler yet. 

This is my Father's world: 

why should my heart be sad? 

The Lord is King; let the heavens ring! 

God reigns; let the earth be glad!

My Next Adventure

I've been planning to write this entry for quite a while because I want to share with all three of my readers the amazing way that God has orchestrated these "next steps" for me (although, all three readers probably know this already).  Maybe I'm actually writing this for me, so in the days to come I remember that I am right where He wants me to be.

Anyway, the story begins in February.  Over Christmas break I polished my resume and started researching school divisions.  I eventually made a list of everywhere I wanted to apply, and wrote thirty-seven unique cover letters.  Yes, I did.  Thirty-seven.

During the months of February and March I sent in applications to those 37 school divisions and this was not a simple task.  I still think the Commonwealth of Virginia needs to develop a single online application for public school jobs and then let applicants check a box next to those divisions to which they want their application sent.  Maybe someday...

The time between then and the middle of May is a bit of a blur.  I was busy with school, so I didn't have time to become that discouraged by the fact that not much was happening with regard to those applications.  I did have a few screening interviews and received positive feedback from those, but later found out that screening interviews have VERY little to do with hiring decisions.  By the time I figured this , it was the first week of May.  I had completed all my grad school work, and I finally had the opportunity to invest all my energy into Operation Get a Job.

I must say that the realization that graduation was upon me and I still had no "real" leads on a job led to a bit of panic.  So what did I do?  I pulled out a map of Virginia's school divisions, and starting with the Grundy, systematically worked my way through each division from the far west to the eastern shore.  I looked up every district on the web and decided then and there that no matter how awful the location, I would apply everywhere that had an opening posted.  What a horrific list.  Seriously.  I wanted to cry as I filled out [PAPER!] applications to some of Virginia's most rural and unappealing areas, trying to convince myself that it wouldn't be so bad to live there.  I prayed a lot while I filled out those applications.  You see, more than anything, I wanted to be in Northern Virginia.  It seemed the best choice for a single person and many of my Grove City friends now live there.  Many of my screening interviews were for districts in NOVA and, as I said before, those interviews went quite well.  Unfortunately, I knew that there were no guarantees.  Some divisions told me right away that they weren't going to post their list of openings until July 1 and a principal in another division let me know that over 100 people had contacted him about an anticipated opening at his school.  I knew it was going to be a long shot, and it was likely that even if I got an offer from a school up there it wouldn't be before mid-August.

So I mailed all those applications on Monday, May 10.  On Thursday I got a phone call from one of those horrid divisions.  They don't even have internet at school....well, they have dial-up.  Their goal for the next two years is to get a broadband connection.  Um, WHAT?  I was seriously depressed.  Then later that day another school in a more populated area gave me a call and asked for an interview.  I signed up for Thursday, May 20.  I was pretty excited about the sound of that one.  It was a city I would be happy to live in, and the school looked nice even though it was an elementary school.  Then on Friday I got another phone call, this one from Rockbridge County High School.  I scheduled it for Tuesday the 18th.

I graduated the Sunday and drove home to Blacksburg on Monday.  While I was driving home, I got another call from a school in the Winchester area.  That interview was scheduled for Wednesday afternoon. 

Tuesday's interview went very well, although at the time I didn't know how well.  It was unlike any of the interviews I had had up to the point - it lasted over an hour and I felt quite comfortable talking with the other counselors and the principal.

On Wednesday I drove up to Winchester for my next interview.  This one was nothing like the RCHS.  When I arrived at the end of the school day I learned that the principal wasn't even on site.  I sat in the conference room with the assistant principal and five teachers (and the principal on speakerphone).  I don't want to say bad things about the school, but this interview frustrated me.  First of all, I drove almost four hours for a 20 minute long interview and the person who would ultimately be making the hiring decision wasn't even there.  Secondly, while the teachers were friendly, they clearly had no idea what a school counselor was supposed to do and they did not like the one who was leaving.  Finally, the questions they asked me were read from a list and did nothing to help me understand the school better.  I also didn't have a chance to ask any questions because the next interview was set to begin (the guy got there before mine started and they didn't want to get behind).  Before I left I did  manage to ask what the process would be from here on out, and the assistant principal told me they would make their final decision by the end of next week and would let me know by telephone if they were offering me the position.

Thursday, May 20, was quite a day.  I was staying at Aunt Lisa and Uncle Bucky's house in Herndon because it made more sense to say in NoVa before driving to Charlottesville for the next interview instead of going all the way back to Blacksburg.  I was packing up my stuff around 10am when my phone rang.  I will always remember sitting in the guest room at the Ray's house listening to Jennifer Weaver offer me the job at RCHS.  I can't remember much about the conversation, but I do remember the overwhelming sense of relief that I felt in that moment.  Although I didn't accept the job immediately, I knew right then that no matter what happened with the rest of my interviews, I would be employed in September.

Later that day I had my interview with the Charlottesville elementary school.  Honestly, it wasn't that great.  I think I answered questions well, but as soon as I walked into the building and met the principal I knew I didn't want to work there.  That, coupled with the job offer already on the table, helped me not be nervous at all, but I probably looked like I didn't care very much....and I didn't.  Then, as I drove back to Blacksburg, the secretary from the Winchester school called and asked if I could come back the next day for a final interview.  My response...."Ummmmmm that's not going to work."  Then I told her I had another offer that I was going to accept.

Seriously though?  I drive four hours for a twenty minute PHONE interview (essentially)....you tell me that this interview is the only interview....then you change your mind and want me to come again 48 hours later????  Praise God that I already had an offer.  The way the school handled the interview process made it clear that it would not be a good place to work.

To try to keep an already extremely long story from getting even longer, I will end here.  In three weeks I will be moving to Lexington to be the 9th grade counselor at RCHS.  I have met many staff members already and I think I am going to love this job.  God clearly had His hand in the job search, and while I never prayed to be in Lexington and there are still things about it that worry me, I know that it is where I am supposed to be.

Once I move in I will post about the way God was faithful in finding me a place to live and all the amazing details of THAT journey.  It's a TINY apartment, but it'll work for me.  I'll try to post pics when it finally starts looking homey.

New Look!

What do you think?

I was looking at my blog and decided that it was pretty, but didn't fit with summer.  Now that Blogger has nicer templates, I think I will change it with the seasons.

I'm also experimenting with a new title.  "All This and Heaven, Too!"  I remember reading something a long time ago about someone experiencing a season of great peace.  As she listed all the ways that God had shown His love and faithfulness, she mentioned how amazing it was that not only do we experience moments of joy, receive great blessings, etc., here, but we have an eternal reward that far outweighs them all.  The phrase resonated with me and it is often on my mind. 

What wondrous love is this, Oh my soul?

And I have to close with some pictures.  Two of my dear friends from Grove City, Adam and Laura, welcomed a precious baby girl on June 7 (which was also their 2nd wedding anniversary).  Here are some pictures of beautiful Samantha Addison!

Hmmmm

I want people to like my blog. 

I have know idea what people want to read.

So, what do you want?

Randomness, like what I’ve been doing?

Links to interesting things I read online (I’m willing to do that but if that become the whole blog, I will quit.  I have too many of my own thoughts)?

Book reviews?

A documentary of my life in my soon-to-be new home of Lexington, VA (aka LexVegas)?

Let me know….

I've Mastered Education

;0

Heidi is the only sibling of mine willing to be that bored

Asian pic

Normal

I'm not sure why.....

Me and Krystin

 

 

What I Miss Most About GCC

Fragile

I have a serious problem with anxiety.  Or fear.  Worry.  Lack of faith.  Call it whatever you want, the result is the same.  I am a total mess.

I have one primary method for dealing with it - plan, plan, plan, and plan some more.

Get this - I make between 3 and 5 "to do" lists on a daily basis.  [To admit this is rather humbling because I think it signifies that I may or may not have OCD....or at least OCPD.]  Throughout the day, whenever the worry or stress of life begins to overwhelm me, I pull out a post-it note and a pen and write down every minute task I need to complete and when I plan to do it.  The anxiety disappears (do you see where I'm going with the OCD thing?...). Sometimes I keep the list in a prominent place with a Sharpie nearby so that I can enjoy crossing off each completed task.  Other times I just ball up the list and throw it away.  I don't need the list in order to remember what to do next (that will come in about 20 years - at least I'm in the habit of writing it down already).  Instead, I like the feelings of power and control I receive from the action.  It's as if by writing it down I convince myself that I am the authority about that which concerns me.

Like many of us, I "need" to be in control.  I need to have a plan.  I need to know the outcome.  I need to be sure of the result.  I need these things in order to feel safe.

Don't misundestand me.  I'm not alwasy this high-strung.  It goes in waves, and I am currently experiencing many intense stressors and having weeks of high anxiety.  It shouldn't be surprising.  I am in my last semester of graduate school and trying to find a job in a difficult economy.  My grandfather passed away unexpectedly, other dear friends and loved ones are going through various trials that I am powerless to change, and these events fall in the shadow of the April 16 anniversary...a time when it's hard to live under the illusion that I'm safe.

It's like I said to my mom the other night - "I just hate feeling helpless and vulnerable."  Her response: "But you are totally helpless and vulnerable."

Thanks, Mom.  Thanks a lot.

But's she's right.  And I know that.  I just don't like living day-to-day with such an acute awareness because I don't like my default response.  Instead of kneeling to pray, I make a list of all the things I plan to control.  Instead of, "Lord, I'm acknowledging that this day is Yours to do what You will," I clutch my pen and paper and document all that is mine.

The truth is I am helpless.  The truth is I am vulnerable.  The truth is that even as a daughter of the King trying to live a life that honors Him, I am promised no safety in this life.  And no amount of organization and contingency planning is going to change that.

I am as fragile as the cherry blossom in the picture.  Fortunately, I have a Father who knows my weakness and treats me with tenderness...

I was about to write that in His tenderness, He cares for His blossoms so that they are not crushed.  That's not quite how it is though.  In His infinite wisdom, many blooms fall and are trampled underfoot.  But it is then that their fragrance intensifies and they bless the world in a different way. 

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him.  For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing.  To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life..."

Changed

I've been writing this post since Monday without much success.  To be more truthful, I've written three completely different posts and three times I've deleted it instead of publishing it.  Nothing I've written seems to fully capture the magnitude of what that day three years ago meant for us in Blacksburg.

In this post today, Sandy said much of what has been on my heart.  A huge part of me is never going to get over this.  There are days when the events of 4.16.07 (and the later losses of Audrey, Ian, David, and Heidi) are ever before me and it hurts. 

In the past three years I have become profoundly acquainted with grief.  Every time I start to think that maybe, finally, this town has suffered it's share, we are given another reason to mourn.  But by His wounds we are healed.

This isn't something I am going to get over.  While I didn't know any of the victims personally, something was taken from me as well.  I no longer live under that sweet but terribly false illusion that I am safe and because I belong to Him, nothing horrible can happen to me or to those I love.  It can, and it has.  And I have asked Him the hard questions.  "Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares? We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live - it's unfair."

But in moments of desperate despair, "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." (Psalm 40)

I'm not claiming to have figured it all out.  I still don't understand.  I still ache.  But I have been comforted.

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved, and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

I could go on and on and share with you all the songs, verses, and stories that have helped me sort through it all, and maybe someday I will. 

For now, I will leave you with this (from David Crowder)


At the start, He was there.
In the end, He'll be there.
And after all our hands have wrought, He forgives.


All is lost, find Him there.
After night, dawn is there.
And after all falls part, He repairs.


Everything has changed
Things will never be the same
We will never be the same
But the GLORY of it all is He is here
With redemption for us all that we may live
For the glory of it all.

He is here, and our hope endures.
If all is lost for you, I pray that He will be found.

Lord, increase our faith.

What Not to Wear, Job Interview Edition

This list is relatively short at the moment, as it is comprised of only articles of clothing that I actually witnessed being worn to an interview today.  

1.  Old and very ratty Rainbows

2.  Bright pink tights

3.  An orange-print dress

4.  Way-too-tight Bermuda shorts.

Apparently some people would rather not get a job.

Please add to this list in the comments...

Preparation

My grandfather passed away unexpectedly yesterday.

I still don't believe it. I'm writing this and it doesn't feel real. My counselor training tells me this would be grief stage number one: denial.

I am thinking and feeling so many things right now that I don't even know what to say. Except this: I am so glad I did my homework, and that I did it early.

One of my assignments for my family therapy class is to make a genogram of the past four generations and include key events and depictions of members' relationships with one another. Being an observant (nosy) individual with an excellent memory, I already felt like I had all the information that I needed to complete the assignment and didn't need any help from other relatives.

But for some reason I felt I should do it right and ask my Grandpa Mock about his heritage. I sent a quick email and didn't expect much in way of a response. What I got was a ten-page, three chapter short story about my family through his eyes - much more than I needed for the assignment.

I thanked him and told him that I would save his words so that one day I could share them with my children if they wanted to know about their ancestry. Then I told him that I loved him.

Fast forward ten days. My genogram isn't due for another eight days, and my grandpa isn't here anymore.

Never in my life have I been more thankful that I am such an overprepared overachieving perfectionist. If I hadn't, I would have so much regret right now.

Still, it's so much more than that. God's sovereignty is so real to me right now. His fingerprints are written all over the events of the past several weeks, and even during his final visit last spring.

I said it before and I will say it again. I did not want to talk to Grandpa about this project. Yet I couldn't get it off my mind and felt compelled to do the assignment right. So I did. And while I didn't understand everything he told me, I let him tell his story. I listened to what he had to say. And I did so with all love and no resentment.

Thank you, Holy Spirit, for using the smallest things to make a difference.

I don't know if Grandpa was a believer, so this is really hard. I don't know if I will see him again. I want to hope. I want to think he will be. He was getting ready for church when he died. I want to talk myself into believing he is with the Lord right now.

I just don't know.

But this is what I do know. I know that the same Spirit that pounded on my heart's door a month ago and caused me to reach out to him is the same Spirit that was speaking to him in little ways even to the end. He didn't come back east to see us much after he retired to Arizona, but he came last spring, and I was able to make it back from Williamsburg to see him for the first time since the summer after I finished high school. My sisters all got baptized that Sunday morning, and Grandpa asked them to send him their written testimonies that they read at church.

...Maybe that mattered....

Then there was this autobiography. He expressed regret over some of the decisions he'd made and their consequences. He made it clear that he loved us all deeply. Then he thanked me.

"This exercise has been a bit cathartic for me! I afraid that at least some of that is still too sensitive for me to get into - so excuse me for huge holes there."

There are some things in his life that he didn't need to explain to me. There are some questions that don't need to be answered publicly, especially to his granddaughter. But maybe, just maybe, this "exercise" lasted longer than the time it took to write me an email. Maybe the questions lingered. Maybe he fought through the emotions that always made it easier to just not address it. Maybe he finally found the redemption, forgiveness, and peace he needed.

...Maybe my homework was part of God's sovereign plan...

I don't know. I may not ever know in this life.

But I know this: I listened to God's voice. I did the right thing, and while I have the pain of loss tonight, I don't have the pain of regret.

I did the right thing.

I loved the Lord.
I listened to His voice.
I love my Grandpa.
I listened to his story.

May I always be this responsive to His leading, even when the reason doesn't become so clear.

Thinking about the End

I had another "A-Ha Moment" in church today. Thank you, Jon Ritner. I don't know why I ever thought about things this way before.

This past week was one I don't want repeated in the near future. So much pain. So much sorrow. So much fear. It was one of those weeks when I couldn't let myself stop and think about everything going on around me because when I did, I felt physically ill. That hasn't happened to me since April 2007.

And so I sat in church this morning trying not to think, trying to enjoy the fellowship and sing His praise without involving my heart because right now it just hurts too much.

Then came words of life and hope in the form of the eighth point of my church's statement of faith. "We Believe in the bodily Second Coming of the Lord Jesus Christ to claim His own people and to set all things in order."

1 Peter 4:7 "The end of all things is near..."

I've never considered the Day of the Lord to be one to look forward to. I guess I should have, knowing that when He comes, He will claim me as His own, but instead I've always simply focused on that Day as the Day of the Lord's wrath. I looked to the End with fear and dread.

But that was never how the Lord intended for His children to face His coming, especially when we know we are His.

The End means the end of all the things that are wrong with this world. Only the good will remain. He will make ALL THINGS right.

That means no more pain. No more sorrow. No more grief. No more fear. No more inexplicable tragedy, loneliness, or betrayal.

All of it. Gone. Forever.

"Therefore encourage each other with these words."

I really hate it when people lie to make other people look bad.

I hate it a lot.

A Sermon to Myself on Valentine's Day

[Credit: most of this is either taken directly from Scripture or from my sermon notes on my dad's January 3rd sermon.]

I haven't had the best attitude lately. The stress of grad school and job applications, together with the pervasive feeling of loneliness I've felt since moving to Williamsburg, has left me with what I've diagnosed as dysthymic disorder. It may also be Seasonal Affective Disorder, because it seems to always get worse at this time of year.

I've been especially sad all week. My birthday was Monday, today is Valentine's Day, and I was once again confronted with all the doubts and fears I've carried with me since high school...

Today during church Bill preached on the role of the Holy Spirit. The Spirit is our Counselor, our Comforter, and the guarantee of our salvation. He convicts the world of sin and convinces the world of righteousness. And right on cue, the Holy Spirit smacked me upside the head in the middle of the service.

"Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come? And why should my heart feel lonely and long for heaven and home? When Jesus is my portion, a constant friend is He. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me..."

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

...for I will yet praise him...

My praise is not simply an act of emotion that takes place during corporate worship. It is an act of obedience that requires will, intellect, and effort.

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits -- who forgives all your sings and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Allison,

Why are you in despair? Do you not know? Have you not heard?

God has forgiven all your sins.

He is the one who has brought you healing time and time again and will one day complete it.

He has redeemed your life and bought you with His Son.

He crowns you with love and compassion.

He satisfies your desires with good things.

He has compassion and understands your pain.

He does not treat you as your sins deserve. You have found favor. You are not just in God's neutral zone. He couldn't possibly ever love you more than He does this very moment.

His divine power has given you everything you need for life and godliness.

He has blessed you with every spiritual blessing in Christ. He chose you before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. It is for his PLEASURE that you have been adopted as his daughter.

You are honored and precious in His sight. His unfailing love for you will NEVER be shaken, nor his covenant of peace be removed.

Nothing in all creation can separate you from His love.

He is not slow in keeping His promises.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow you all the days of your life, and you will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Take heart, and believe these words.
Sincerely,
The Comforter

------------------------------------------------------------------

So how am I doing on this Valentine's Day? Really?

Honestly....
I am drinking from my saucer, because my cup is overflowing.

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior."

Oops

I deleted that last post. Should have done it sooner.

I need to get a filter and talk to God when I'm angry, not the whole world.

Will post a real update soon. My life is so hectic right now.

My Prayer for Haiti

"The Lord will surely comfort Zion
and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
he will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the Lord.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing." (Isaiah 51:3)

Accountability

6:36am.

It really wasn't that early. I get up an hour before that five days a week now. But during my senior year at Grove City I didn't have a class before 11 any day of the week. I only had one difficult class each semester (Dr. Jones…hardest and best professor ever), and so I got to bed at a normal time…

Still, when that alarm went off at 6:36 every morning, I struggled to get out of bed. Some mornings, I hit the snooze button, and waited till 6:41. However, at 6:41, I always jumped out of bed, threw on my gym clothes that were waiting on my desk chair, and began the long uphill climb from the apartments on lower campus to the PLC (which took about 10 minutes booking it).

Some mornings it was pouring (okay – it was western PA…a LOT OF MORNINGS). Many times that winter it had snowed a foot the night below (or worse – negative temperatures with 40mph winds). But I got out of bed and made the walk. Why?

Because I knew that in the hallway outside the "girl Gym" there would be people waiting for me. Christie, Laura, Jenny, Lacey, KT – my amazing sorority sisters. They were there every morning at 7, waiting for the student employee to come open the doors. They would know. So I went.

As painful as it was getting up that early and heading to the gym, once I got there, I never felt the need to take it easy or skip out early. We had fun during those early mornings. Laura and I would sing along to "clumsy" every time it came on the radio, and when it got warmer, we sometimes ran through town instead. Other ABTs came more sporadically, and mentioned that they loved knowing that when they showed up, they would see familiar faces. We pushed each other.

I miss those mornings. I miss the accountability. I miss the leisurely post-workout walk back to my apartment. By then it was between 8 and 8:30, and I often got to hear the bells from Tower Pres playing a hymn or two. Even in subzero temperatures, I loved it. My roommates were both student teaching at the time, and so I had the apartment to myself. And so my morning ritual was extended to include two cups of coffee at the table, with my Bible and journal. I easily spent an hour there each morning…

I don't say this to brag. It's more of a confession. I miss those days. The time spent in communion with God. The relationship of accountability that I had with my dear friends.

It's hard to be disciplined when there is no one to hold you accountable. Neither of my roommates this year are believers. They don't care if I spent time with God or not today. They don't really care if I ran or not this morning either. (LACEY, Kim, Laura, and Megan – I MISS YOU!!!!!)

This isn't an excuse. It's just the way it is in this season I guess.

Still, I really wish somebody was there to give me the kick in the pants I need on the days when I hit snooze seven times because I know that no one in Williamsburg will know if I sleep instead of going on a run or spending time in the word.